Transform Your Relationship by Recognizing and Responding to ‘Bids’: The Hidden Language of Connection
Reading time: 8 minutes
Ever wonder why some relationships thrive while others slowly drift apart? The secret often lies in those tiny, seemingly insignificant moments when your partner reaches out for connection. These moments, called “bids,” are the building blocks of lasting relationships, yet most of us miss them entirely!
Table of Contents
- Understanding Relationship Bids: The Foundation of Connection
- Recognizing Different Types of Connection Requests
- How to Respond: The Art of Turning Toward
- Navigating Bids in the Digital Age
- Common Challenges and Solutions
- Your Connection Mastery Blueprint
- Frequently Asked Questions
Understanding Relationship Bids: The Foundation of Connection
Think of bids as your partner’s way of saying, “Hey, I want to connect with you right now.” Dr. John Gottman, renowned relationship researcher, discovered that couples who stayed together responded positively to each other’s bids 86% of the time, while couples who divorced only responded positively 33% of the time. That’s a massive difference!
Here’s the fascinating part: most bids aren’t dramatic declarations of love. They’re subtle, everyday moments like:
- Your partner pointing out a beautiful sunset
- Sharing a funny meme they found online
- Asking about your day while you’re cooking dinner
- Making a joke during a tense moment
The Science Behind Connection Requests
Research from the Gottman Institute reveals that couples make an average of 100 bids per day during weekend interactions. These micro-moments accumulate into what relationship experts call an “emotional bank account” – either building trust and intimacy or slowly eroding the foundation of your relationship.
Case Study: Sarah and Mike’s Breakfast Bid
Sarah notices Mike reading the news and says, “Wow, look at this adorable dog video!” Mike has three choices: turn toward (watch and laugh together), turn away (grunt without looking up), or turn against (“I’m trying to read something important”). Their response in this 15-second interaction shapes their entire day’s emotional connection.
Recognizing Different Types of Connection Requests
Not all bids look the same, and understanding the various forms helps you become a connection detective in your own relationship. Let’s break down the most common types:
Attention-Seeking Bids
These are the most obvious – your partner literally wants your attention right now. Examples include calling your name, touching your arm while you’re working, or saying “Look at this!” The key is recognizing the underlying need: I want to share this moment with you.
Support-Seeking Bids
Often disguised as casual comments, these bids signal a need for emotional support. Phrases like “I had the worst meeting today” or “I’m feeling overwhelmed” are invitations for you to provide comfort and understanding.
Affection Bids
Physical touch, compliments, or playful teasing often signal a desire for emotional warmth. A spontaneous hug, a comment about how good you look, or playful banter are all affection bids.
Bid Response Success Rates by Type
78%
65%
82%
71%
How to Respond: The Art of Turning Toward
The magic happens in your response. Gottman identifies three possible reactions to any bid:
Turning Toward (The Relationship Builder)
This means acknowledging the bid and engaging positively. When your partner says, “The sunset is beautiful,” turning toward might look like stopping what you’re doing, looking at the sunset, and sharing the moment together.
Turning Away (The Relationship Killer)
This involves missing or ignoring the bid entirely. You might be distracted, busy, or simply not recognize the connection attempt. While not malicious, consistently turning away gradually erodes intimacy.
Turning Against (The Relationship Destroyer)
This means responding negatively or dismissively. Saying something like “I don’t have time for sunsets right now” not only rejects the bid but can damage your partner’s willingness to reach out again.
| Response Type | Relationship Impact | Long-term Outcome | Example Response |
|---|---|---|---|
| Turning Toward | Builds trust and intimacy | Strengthened bond | “Wow, it really is! Come look with me.” |
| Turning Away | Creates emotional distance | Gradual disconnection | *No response, continues scrolling phone* |
| Turning Against | Damages trust and safety | Relationship deterioration | “I’m not interested in sunsets right now.” |
Navigating Bids in the Digital Age
Modern relationships face unique challenges as we navigate connection requests across multiple digital platforms. A text message, social media tag, or shared article can all be bids for connection, but the nuances are harder to read without tone of voice and body language.
Digital Bid Recognition
Your partner sends you a funny TikTok at 2 PM. This isn’t just entertainment sharing – it’s a bid that says, “I thought of you when I saw this” or “I want to laugh together.” Responding with an emoji, commenting, or sending something back maintains that connection thread.
Case Study: Emma and Jake’s Text Bid Challenge
Emma texts Jake a picture of their favorite coffee shop saying, “Missing our Sunday mornings here.” Jake has several response options: ignore it (turning away), respond with just “Yeah” (minimal turning toward), or engage meaningfully with “Me too! Want to go this weekend?” (full turning toward). His choice sets the tone for their entire relationship dynamic.
Common Challenges and Solutions
Challenge 1: Stress and Distraction
When you’re overwhelmed, you’re more likely to miss or dismiss bids. The solution? Create awareness through what I call “bid alerts” – consciously asking yourself, “Is my partner trying to connect right now?”
Challenge 2: Different Communication Styles
Some people make obvious bids, while others are subtle. Learn your partner’s unique bid style. Do they share news articles when they want to connect? Make jokes when they need comfort? Understanding their pattern helps you recognize their attempts.
Challenge 3: Fear of Rejection
Past relationship wounds can make us hesitant to make bids or respond to them. Start small – acknowledge simple bids before moving to more vulnerable ones. Building success creates safety for deeper connection.
Pro Tip: Keep a “bid journal” for one week. Notice when your partner makes connection attempts and how you respond. This awareness alone can transform your relationship dynamic!
Your Connection Mastery Blueprint
Ready to transform those micro-moments into macro-improvements in your relationship? Here’s your actionable roadmap for becoming a bid-recognition expert:
Week 1-2: Awareness Building
- Practice the 24-hour challenge: For one day, consciously notice every bid your partner makes
- Track your response patterns: Are you naturally a turner-toward, turner-away, or turner-against?
- Identify your partner’s bid style: How do they typically ask for connection?
Week 3-4: Response Enhancement
- Implement the “pause and assess” technique: Before responding, ask “How can I turn toward this moment?”
- Practice enthusiastic engagement: Match or slightly exceed your partner’s energy level
- Create bid-rich environments: Put away phones during dinner, car rides, or walks
Week 5+: Advanced Connection Building
- Initiate more bids yourself: Share interesting thoughts, observations, or feelings throughout the day
- Develop bid rituals: Create consistent moments for connection (morning coffee check-ins, evening gratitude sharing)
- Address missed bids: If you realize you turned away from a bid, circle back later with acknowledgment
Remember, mastering bids isn’t about perfection – it’s about intention and improvement. Every small moment of turning toward your partner builds the foundation for a thriving, connected relationship that can weather any storm.
As digital communication continues reshaping how we connect, the fundamental human need for recognition and response remains unchanged. Your ability to see and respond to these connection requests isn’t just a relationship skill – it’s a life skill that enriches every interaction you have.
What bid from your partner will you choose to turn toward today?
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I know if something is actually a bid or just casual conversation?
Look for the emotional undertone and your partner’s energy level. Bids typically carry an invitation for shared experience, even in simple statements. When in doubt, err on the side of engagement – treating casual conversation as a bid for connection rarely hurts, while missing actual bids can damage intimacy over time.
What if I’m naturally introverted and find constant bid-responding exhausting?
Quality matters more than quantity. Focus on fully engaging with fewer bids rather than half-heartedly responding to many. Communicate your energy patterns to your partner and establish “connection windows” when you’re most available for deeper engagement. A sincere “I want to give you my full attention – can we talk about this after dinner?” is better than a distracted response.
Can you repair a relationship that’s been damaged by years of turning away from bids?
Absolutely! Start by acknowledging the pattern without blame, then commit to intentional change. Begin with small, consistent improvements rather than dramatic overhauls. Consider couples therapy to help identify and practice new response patterns. Relationships have remarkable healing capacity when both partners commit to rebuilding their connection foundation one bid at a time.
Article reviewed by Nikola Horvat, Marriage Counselor | Restoring Trust & Communication in Relationships, on May 29, 2025
